She is a woman of substance, make no mistake. She has depth… real depth. She has had to face crippling shame, terrors, repressed rage, chronic and debilitating illness and PTSD, to be the heroine and saviour she was waiting for. She is highly sensitive and intuitive but she values most, her radical self honesty and rigorous self examination, her dedication to truth. She is a wounded healer, fierce and tender from life’s betrayals but she is also a warrior and way-shower because she knows the alchemy that is possible by dancing with the light and shadow and surrendering to grace.
She has redefined herself on many levels after years of inner work. Her brutal inner critic is now a discerning judge, the scapegoat a whistleblower, who does not tolerate and take on secrets, lies and deceptions. Her adapted child with so many masks is now a powerful and conscious shape-shifter, her wounded child, a compassionate witness and advocate for others. She knows this initiatory journey must always be referenced back to the self and whilst many prefer to ‘spiritually bypass’ and not face the ‘pain body’ of their relative existence, she is willing to do this personal work, to heal her shadow, release trauma and trust these gifts and vibrational shifts, as an important offering to the collective ‘pain body’ and healing on the planet.
She has journeyed to the Underworld many times, taking radical responsibility for what she has had to face in these dark night’s of the soul, the trauma in her own life and inter-generationally. This work is not for the fainthearted, there are no certificates or honours to be gained but she feels it as deeply holy work and vitally important we return to honouring the ancestors. She has been strengthened by facing the truth instead of burying her head in the sand, despite the cost at a relative level because she knows the deep healing that takes place in ways that cannot be calibrated or proved. Truth for her is more important, this sacred connection above all.
She was once given a name of ‘Golden Chalice of the Rising Phoenix’ because through each alchemic initiation, she re-invented herself when her world was shattered and in ruins, returning with more resilience, immense resources, learned wisdom and many sacred gifts. She knows how to rise time and time again, this alchemic gold that is available to everyone if they commit and say a clear yes. And, she recognises her own habitual co-dependency, the extreme importance of honouring her own inner ‘no’s and those of others, if they cannot take the journey for whatever reason.
But with this awareness, she is able to be a guide, to help others to rise again, if they are ready, open and willing, to shine a light and help them become more embodied, to find their core truth, trust their knowing and to listen to their soul’s calling. In this, as an Aries who champions the underdog, she is a strong and discerning advocate for others, for those less fortunate who are wrongly scapegoated, not only because it is in her nature but because she herself never had a witness for what happened. This is her longing, her sacred work and commitment, to hold this lantern and help others as a compassionate witness, in their suffering and struggle.
In her melt down and spiritual emergency periods which sometimes went on for years, she was bestowed the gifts of awareness, discernment, wisdom, humility, grace and compassion, to carry this bright torch for others when their flame cannot burn brightly and perhaps more importantly, when there is danger from others close by, (family, friends, culture, doctors and many others), who are unwilling or unable to honour the delicate, spiritual emergence process that is so desperately needed.
She will no longer do the work for others as this co-dependent behaviour exhausted her, believing she had to be the saviour, responsible for everyone’s pain. This was inappropriate, not just for her but for those she was endeavouring to save, because the butterfly needs the struggle in order to leave the cocoon or it will die. Smothering and over-helping is sadly just another disguised power game, she knows this from both sides now. She knows from painful experience that It is the number one trespass to think that we can control, change or fix another’s process. So if she takes great self care, listening to her body wisdom and setting healthier boundaries, she will simply offer you the authenticity of her life experience, trusting that just this presence is enough.
Perfectionism nearly killed her, trying too hard and pushing to self improve, something she still struggles with. So her offering is to simply be herself, warts and all, this mutuality and shared humanity that can be the miracle needed to spark another to trust in themselves and regain their sense of personal power. She is tired of the therapist/client and doctor/patient power games that so often take place, so she is choosing to work in the role of ‘peer support’ instead, to take away any hierarchy and power dynamics that might disempower or cause damage.
She is acutely aware of her failings and limitations but it’s time she offers her light instead of focussing only on her shadow. She is enough just as she is. She is willing and ready to step up into her full divine sovereignty and offer herself in this perfectly, imperfect state because that, in Leonard Cohen’s words, is ‘how the light gets in’. This is the space where grace can enter. She is glad to be back in the human race, it was lonely doing everything solo, un-trusting and self righteous. She is ready to step into thriving, trusting her body and the chalice of her own sacred heart. She is for ever grateful to those angels in disguise, who were there, in her desperate need and also to the adversaries and brutal grace that was, whilst not welcome at the time, always the catalyst for her own awakening.