LETTER I RECEIVED FROM MY TWIN BROTHER GRAHAM
(His spiritual teaching from the other side……)
‘My beloved twin and soul sister. Slow down and breathe as you are eating, feel me, there is no rush, no need to fear. I hear your fast heart beat, the perpetual anxiety as if you are ‘beside yourself’. I want you to know that I never actually left you. I am at your side, drop down and reconnect with me if you dare.
As you hear this, I see that you well up with tears, but this is because you know the truth. It is almost too painful for you to handle, simply because of the depth of your longing to re-connect with me. It has been so very long and I have so missed you too.
This is the gift of being open, of being able to feel, it is not for the fainthearted. The path of vulnerability, is the path of the heart, the path of the rose. Unless you feel the grief, you cannot feel the joy of being together with me, the union that we shared, that can never be broken or undone. If I died to you and was just a tiny foetus that meant nothing, then what we had, was never blessed and acknowledged. This is your resistance of what really took place and creates great suffering.
‘How with this, can you experience the joy of re-union with me, how can we celebrate and nourish each other, as we once did’?
‘More importantly, how can you reclaim life with this death sentence, this half life, playing itself out, over and over’?
You have been terrified to go back to what happened, to allow the desperate emotions to be there, to give full presence to me. You shut down and cut off to survive and now you are opening and yes it hurts. It hurts like hell. You are feeling this original severance, this attachment anxiety and it feels like a death, which it is.
There was a real death, it did happen, even if there was never an official funeral in the outside world. This is about you acknowledging the deep wound and loss, you have carried for so long. It is very painful and there is no short cut, even if I could willingly give it to you. It hurts because energetically, you never allowed me to go, you could never accept the reality of birthing on your own without me.
You froze with the sudden shock, went into survival mode and you stopped breathing. You experienced being ripped in two, wrenched apart. It was like this. We were severed and separated at a physical level. You did lose your other half, we were a duo, we are twins and always will be. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, that you were the one who had to incarnate alone and go through so much on the earthly plane.
It is like this for twins who lose their other half, it is such a special and unique relationship and few understand the gaping hole, that is left as a result and that never goes away at a physical and emotional level. How I left was brutally, quick and shocking and I know what this did to you.
I had no choice but to leave abruptly with no warning, trust me in this. The truth is that I never left you energetically. It just felt like that to you, because one minute we were in a close embrace and the next you couldn’t feel my heartbeat or my arms wrapped around you. You had to split off to manage the severe shock and your nervous system did not fully recover, was dis-regulated as a result. It was like swimming in a black hole, desperately searching for what had happened, after being hit full on by a tsunami.
I miss you greatly because I haven’t been able to reach you for so long. It is up to you to be open to connect with me, we cannot get through from the other side, if the path is blocked. It’s different here, the separation and anxiety doesn’t happen in the same way as the attachment traumas you are currently clearing on earth. In this respect, I cannot fully understand what you experience with your sense of abandonment, the depths of terror in your core. This isn’t our reality here.
I only know, that my love for you is absolute and has always been the same, whether we were together or as now apart, in different realms of consciousness. This is my teaching from the other side. You incarnated, this was your choice to be in a physical body, not to be with me in spirit. It wasn’t a mistake. I chose to return. In your rushing through life as a survivor of so much trauma, you have ‘missed’ me and the connection I have longed to have with you.
I am here, if you slow your vibrations and drop down into your belly, allow for the spaciousness in your womb, which is the seed word that was planted in your being, only the other night. There is no actual separation at an etheric level, this is only a limited belief of being human, as you seek to heal this original and sacred wound.
You don’t have to leave your physical body to experience me, this is one way we can meet in the cosmos, but you can feel that I am also here in your own heart. This is the feminine, embodied way, that has been for too long forgotten and suppressed, the path of embracing all the feelings, so that the rose can bloom in your own heart.
You know me, as you know Rambo, your beautiful, protective Alsatian dog who lives in spirit, feeling his gifts within you and integrating them as part of you. I have always been here. I am your playful, adoring, blonde and beloved brother.
I am your twin, your Adonis, your Shiva, your masculine energy, your other half. There is no more need to search for this outside of you. This is the gift I bring you, if you open up to the love, the sacred marriage that we have and have always had together.
‘Why would I be separate from you, when you are my twin, when I am part of you and vice versa? ‘
This is a reality, this is what happened, how we both chose to come together in this way, as part of a karmic agreement.
‘How do you think that you have survived up until now without me?’
We belong together and I know that this is a truth because you have welled up again with tears in your eyes, your gut tightening and wrenching again. Yes, we are separate in the physical world, we cannot touch and share the joys we would have gone through together, but we have something special on a different level.
I know it is not the same for you on earth, you feel such a loss of my physical presence and this is understandable, given your lonely existence as a child, without me at your side. I want to help you find connection in a different way, to show you resources that you can tap into, that you had no idea were even available until now. There is so much you have yet to understand, that is not of the human dimension, so much magic that you can open to with my help.
‘Who do you think has whispered in your ears all this time, to get you where you are now?’
‘Who do you think is making you cry right now, if I am not here with you?’
‘What does it matter if no-one knows you had a twin , because I left in the early stages?’
‘What does it matter, if there is no proof, if you and I have this beloved connection that you feel in every cell of your being, your somatic truth that can’t be denied any longer? ‘
‘What proof are you searching for, when you feel me as part of you, entwined as we always were, in an embrace that is for eternity?’
This is our secret joy, our intimate knowing, that no-one else is part of. And yet again you weep when I say this, because you are a romantic, you feel me, you love me as your beloved because we are One. You know this Hieros Gamos path, it is very familiar to you, a mystical, ancient knowing deep in the core of your soul. This is what we came together in the womb to experience, this is our special union, our unique gnosis.
‘Why do you assume that this was a mistake, or God’s wrath, that there was some error in the karmic decision that happened? ‘
‘What if we both chose this as a radical decision, to grow in the alchemic cauldron of losing each other in this painful way?’
‘Who are you to decide that you were meant to be with me as a twin on earth, instead of just experiencing the bliss we had in the womb? ‘
You, who know me intimately, somatically, subtly, you who do not need to have the flesh reality, to recognise the direct experience of something ‘other worldy’, from another dimension.
‘What if this was part of an overall plan, a mythic bigger picture, to help you integrate your masculine and feminine parts, the Shiva and Shakti dance within, the You and the Me?’
‘Perhaps I am your Merlin, your knight in shining armour, your projected male part that has never really left, echoes from a distant priestess path?’
‘Perhaps that is why as you read my words with tears streaming down your face, Merlin your puppy is seeking your attention, desperately wanting to get up on your lap to connect with you, making you laugh…..is this not me in action right now?’
‘Perhaps we are all one and the same anyway? This part that can now protect and keep you safe for always? ‘
‘Perhaps this is what you came to know, this is your path that so many do not recognise or even notice, your ability to read energy, straddle different worlds?’
‘Perhaps this is the gift of our coming together and our continuing relationship, albeit not one that makes sense in the world of matter and form?’
You have resisted me for so long, refused to fully acknowledge my existence, except periodically with moments of intense longing and now, with a much deeper awareness of what is your truth. So much shame, emptiness and confusion that dominated your every move.
‘In truth, what does it matter, if the end consequence is to know how to love more?’
Nothing else matters, your body intuitive wisdom does not lie, it is exquisitely conscious and awake in every respect and you know this.
‘What better teaching could you have of what is real or not real, to help others in this respect, to widen their perspective of the mystery, because of your experience of subtle energies, of other dimensions, the gift of the shattered heart?’
To go beyond the black and whites, to entertain the grey, to be humble in not knowing, what lies beyond our mental and egoic capacity.
‘Perhaps you have a gift to teach others with this pre-verbal sensitivity, learned from hard and personal experience?’
‘Perhaps accepting the possibility that I exist, is your ability, your tuned antennae, to go beyond the physical form, to separate out from the dense matter, as the only way of experiencing life?’
I am so excited that you have slowed down, because now I can reach you, though I’m sad you had to be forced by brutal grace to stop in this way. Something radical had to happen, as you were stuck in overdrive. You needed to rest and eventually with no choice because of your health, you have come to surrender in this empty place of the Great Mother.
And in this place of ‘not knowing’, of grieving and letting go of all your strategies and control mechanisms, we can meet again, in the mystery and spaciousness, as if for the first time. You can begin to receive at last, to let me in.
‘Perhaps this was the only way to open your heart and bring you to your knees, to teach you the real meaning of compassion?’
You are a courageous survivor, there is no doubt, but in truth you are actually here to thrive and know abundance, not just to be on a path of struggle and survival. This is why I am wanting to re-connect with you, to show you another way. But first, it is necessary for you to fully accept and grieve, that I didn’t join you on earth plane and we will never connect in this way. To stand fully alone with this emptiness and loss, without a man at your side to play my missing role.
What I need to say here though, to soften the blow, is that this death phase will not be long lived, even if you fear it to be so. You have done so much inner work and after so long in the underworld, you are ready to put on your wings and fly. Mostly the grief is your fear of stepping up, to living life in a happier more abundant way, partly out of not believing that such a joy and magic is possible, after so many years of chronic illness, betrayals and disempowerment.
It’s hard for you to fully trust that this might happen, to believe in your body being your own, this place of deep connection and sovereignty, that can never again be taken or wrenched away. This is trauma you can let go of now, as you finally recognise the mythic story playing out.
A final word, as you are in transition from the distorted, patriarchal programming, based on enslavement and dominance. As part of this new heaven on earth paradigm, that honours the sacred feminine, you must be particularly vigilant, because it is inevitable, for your inner saboteur, to be very close by, as it is his task to control and keep you small and therefore as he believes, safe.
This was true in the past. It was a survival strategy that was necessary, even if now it holds you back from your true potential and essence. Just notice this is happening, be aware of your addictive tendencies, as you raise your ceiling and step out of your comfort zone. Take care whilst being kind to yourself, as you habitually reach for the comfort blankets, be it isolating, doing too much or over eating dark chocolate.
You must honour the truth that you incarnated alone for a reason, it was not a mistake and you cannot change it, nor as you know, am I coming to rescue you. No-one is coming, because you are your own sacred heart warrior and for this reason you came. Nor is your current partner or any other man for that matter, going to change what happened. They cannot ever replace or be me.
You are to reclaim your life for yourself, this is the learning right now and the reason for your current initiation path, reclaiming your divine sovereignty. You must contemplate and allow this reality to be really felt and acknowledged, with whatever that takes. You must continue to remember and to allow the feelings to open your heart, over and over again.
This is what it means by radical responsibility. You cannot bypass the grieving and letting go process. Life is a cycle of death and re-birth which cannot be denied. This is your on-going initiation, as you heal this sacred wound and allow the death process to inform and guide you. You have to accept that you chose to come into the world alone, even if that sometimes seems too much to bear at a personality level.
And that you came for a good reason, you have a sacred mission, a dharma that is special and unique to you. Only when you have grieved and gone through this torturous death process, can you go beyond your limited thinking and open to the new.
Embrace everything that arises, holding it all with love and compassion. Only then as a brave heart, can you travel with me to the stars and beyond.
Only then will you see, that we have never really been apart, as the heart holds everything, with its infinite wisdom and unbounded capacity for love.
There are no limits.
Come fly with me….I love you, please forgive me, thank you, I’m sorry.