Until she was 39 years old, she was totally programmed, conditioned, adapted to serve others with no connection to herself whatsoever. She knew nothing different. She didn’t see this as a power game or as slavery that takes place in families and globally, everywhere on the planet. She was compliant, totally asleep, easily manipulated having given her power away from the beginning. Energetically it was an absolute ‘take over’. She was anaesthetised with no sense of self. She did not know anger and she had cried perhaps once in ten years.
At age 60, after 20 years with mystery illness and journeying to the Underworld, she now understands the victim, prostitute, saboteur, servant and slave archetypes. She knows what it is to be objectified, to have no rights, to be a belonging but NOT to belong. She knows very well, the masks of primary selves (ways of coping) that cover these hopeless, unworthy, un-redeemable parts such as the good girl, pleaser, super achiever, perfectionist, heroine, care-taker, the activist, the revolutionary…… all with the hidden and unconscious sentence really saying “If I do enough for you, if I’m good enough, if I change the world and save you, will I matter, can you be there for me, will you love me then?”.
She knows what it’s like to push herself to be perfect, to feel she cannot have flaws, to believe there is some place where she will be sorted and healed. A place where illness and pain doesn’t exist, this exhaustive and illusory path that is not realistic or viable but with the punisher internalised, drives her always forward. She knows what it’s like to feel she has to be perfect to justify her existence, to feel that she matters and has something to offer.
She knows the devastation of falling back to feeling suicidal and wanting out, identifying herself as a total failure and not giving herself permission to be vulnerable, sick or needing help. She knows how she can push herself to an early grave, this inner slave driver who is brutal and unrelenting. She knows the nectar of what it’s like to receive a different perception that ‘perfect women are not real and real women are not perfect’, to realise that we are here to keep rising, again and again or be like the rocket that went to the moon and yet was 98% off course. She knows how important it is to give herself permission to rest and play, this balance and deservedness being the hardest thing of all in her life.
She knows how damaging it can be when she still chooses inappropriate people whether friends, suppliers or healers, who cannot hear or see her, where she defaults to over trusting, where she somehow takes on their projections…how new it is for her to stop this, see the signs, step away and say no. She knows the confusion and double bind terror of not recognising the danger signals, not knowing who or what to trust, feeling this lack of safety with herself and life. This implosion and paralysis, the inability to stand and fight as freezing takes over.
She knows what it’s like, the terror of not trusting herself or the choices she would make and of having to relearn this skill because her boundaries and sense of self was shattered so early on. So with this hard earned wisdom, she finally knows the joy of making good decisions trusting her body’s implicit wisdom and seeing how the universe responds to her strong and clear energy, this manifestation process, that finally is happening. This return to the sacred feminine that flows in her veins and is unstoppable.
Breaking out from these chains, the vows and promises she has made………she knows how others are challenged as she changes and refuses to follow their dictate whether in family, work or society. She knows the scapegoat well, what it is to be the problem, to take on all the responsibility that others cannot or will not own. She knows the dark night’s of the soul when all light has gone out and there is nothing to hold onto, no programme that makes any sense. She knows what it is to be excommunicated from family and society and to loathe and hate her body in the same brutal way. To not fit anymore, to have spoken the unforgivable truth that they cannot accept, the sins of the fathers, this no-man’s land of standing totally on your own with no external reference points.
She knows how nature, animals, writing, prayer and a few special souls changed her for ever, were her life line during these long years in the wilderness. She learnt how to self soothe, to return to her body and hold her wounds, these tiny forbidden and banished inner children who needed love and healthy parenting. She knows about magic, miracles and the power of grace that comes in many disguises, how it has always kept her going in ways that are still incomprehensible. She is finally beginning to know how her sacred connection sustains her above all else, is always there and will never leave.
She knows how the adversary challenges so often ended up to be the brutal grace that woke her up even if it was kicking and screaming. The mystery illness that doctors didn’t have a clue about, that caused her to crash and forced her to be with herself as she couldn’t do anything else…..years of this torture……coming back to her body with all it’s memories and terrifying symptoms, all its repressed rage and imploded grief. All the trauma that she was marinated in, that dis-regulated her nervous system causing her to live disassociated, out of her body, unable to return, literally shocked out of her skin.
She knows what it means to be ‘beside herself’ with fear, to have that much abject terror making it impossible to sit still and not distract herself in some way. She now knows where this comes from and why, finally it all makes sense. She knows the joy of releasing this stuck energy and reclaiming her life force so that she could find who she was…her soul’s calling, her sovereignty, her mission and the reason she incarnated.
She was not born to be a slave and object for others but she needed to know this programme in order to understand the dynamic playing out everywhere on our planet. This was the initiation so that she would know it first hand, feel this betrayal in every cell of her body. She knows how these betrayals broke her heart but also helped her to see where it had been broken before, to heal these original wounds perpetrated by those who were supposed to care for her.
She knows that despite everything, her heart has never been destroyed….the cracks are where the light gets in as Leonard Cohen said in his beautiful song, it’s the fuel for our greatest gifts to come forth. She knows from her long journey to the Underworld, that the alchemic, soul’s journey is about being forged, it’s an initiation that is designed to bring forth resilience, endurance, courage, strength, compassion, wisdom, humility and grace in order that we are prepared for our real life purpose. She is ready for this now.
She knows the value of doing years of work on herself, the enforced periods of rest due to illness where she grew and opened up psycho-spiritually, releasing self limiting beliefs and negative energies coming from all dimensions but mostly as a result of her inner programming. She knows the universe takes us at our own estimate which now makes sense, how it is entirely impersonal so that we ultimately can choose our way.
She knows the ancestors are calling on the telephone needing her/our attention, desperate for healing and honouring. She knows how at some level she chose to heal her ancestral line inter-generationally, first to see where unresolved demonic energies were bringing her down due to her low vibrations and lack of boundaries and then for the whole family system.
She knows that ultimately it’s all energy and vibration, the parasites in all dimensions sucking her life force and literally ‘under her skin’ as she continues to clear chronic neurological Lyme and mould illness. She knows about her inability to say no, the mirror of her immune system that had no protection and no power to fight back, the instinct injury that was deep in her body from early abuse. She knows what it means to release trauma and heal the gaping hole that addictions used to fill, she’s done the work, it’s not for the faint-hearted and yet returning to the body is her ongoing priority….to come fully ‘home’. She also knows how easily she can disassociate as a default, to go out of her body and how lost she feels when this happens like walking around as a zombie on the wrong planet.
Sharing emotional truth, even when totally broken or fired up with rage, helps her come home as she dares to express whatever is happening. This is emotional alchemy. She wishes to bless those brave, precious souls who can sit with this part of her, allow all of her, because then post traumatic injury moves to post traumatic growth. Magic and miracles take place in this mutuality and shared humanity. This is the ‘Welcoming Home to the Tribe’ that she offers others, this missing piece of connecting to the family and community, and of knowing that the ‘war of childhood’ is finally over, as Karla McLaren speaks of, in the full healing of trauma.
After years stripping back layers to find herself, she finally knows she can influence her own reality….every choice has powerful consequences, how to stay close to the sacred, praying for guidance and support. She’s not sorted or fixed, her light is as a result of her wounds. They will never go, that’s not what it’s about. She still self abandons, over-extends, falls in the hole and gets over-identified with old ways and patterns of behaviour, that’s inevitable. But she has extensive resources as a result of straddling many extreme places, she’s dug deep and more importantly knows how to rise , each and every time more resilient and wise.
She knows that breaking through the pain of the wound, accepting it all instead of resisting it, she can miraculously find herself held by the Goddess, held by HER in a sense of oneness and expansion. She’s a resilient survivor, she can bear the unbearable and in this surrender ironically lies the bliss that is intimately close to the pain as Kahil Gibran so beautifully describes. They are bedfellows, the joy and the suffering. Mostly, she knows how to look after her inner children and stay connected rather than splitting off. And, these days, she is usually able to shift her vibration so that light/love replaces fear and confusion……healing inter-generational unresolved trauma (seven generations before and after)……..choosing supportive, intimate and nourishing friends who have her back, even if only a small number…….and more importantly turning first to herself and her higher truth.
She knows herself better now, her feelings, her needs and her longing which is to be of service, to share her story to be an inspiration for others, to shine a light in their darkness. Changing the job title of rescuer (this unconscious need for safety and validation) to Emissary of Light or Light worker…….being a compassionate witness and advocate for others, holding space above all, to be a spiritually embodied ambassador always checking in, this self awareness and reference being vital to avoid losing herself again.
Years of self work making this possible, to face the shadow in herself as an ongoing process for life, in order to know how to heal and shift whatever arises, accepting it all as light, all as the One. She knows now how to get out of her own way, surrendering her life to a Higher Power, to the Goddess and allowing grace to offer the magic and miracles that make life worth living. She simply prays in the words of Caroline Myss ‘hover over me Lord, I’m about to do something stupid, guide and support me through this process……..give me your grace, strength and clarity to make healthy choices…….’