When I allow the deep grief to be fully present, then spontaneous joy, can miraculously also be possible, just as Kahlil Gibran shares in ‘The Prophet’ when he writes about joy and grief being bedfellows. When I berate myself for being too intense, or insist that my grieving process is going on longer than it ‘should’ do, acting as a stern, unkind parent, I really suffer.
It’s as simply as that, the question of whether I can be my own kind mother or not , and if I can be especially vigilant with the self care that is needed, with this delicate subject in particular.
It’s like losing a child, it is not just a done and dusted experience that can be put behind us, like moving house or changing a job. I know with my own journey, the devastating loss of a vanishing twin remains, it doesn’t go away. It’s a radical choice to choose to build one’s life around the loss, creating beauty and happiness wherever possible, but not demanding or expecting that the pain can be got rid of.
What a strange thing this aching grief
That seems to terrorise, yet can bring such relief
Threatening to drown us in a sea of sorrow
When in its release, there’s a chance for tomorrow
Grief we repress, pushing down and down
Sometimes even choosing to wear as a crown
Dragging it round as a heavy lead weight
Trying to be stoic, accepting our fate
What if the symptoms that pervade every cell
Were here as a reminder – to take us away from hell?
What if we stopped and dared to feel all the pain
Could we have a chance to live once again?
It’s overwhelmingly scary to dive down so deep
To give voice to the grief buried and asleep
What if we could bring ourselves to kiss all our tears
Could we then honour the losses through the years?
When we avoid going into the truth of the grief
We create stories around it, desperately hoping for relief
But there is nothing to do, but stare it straight in the face
As then magically it’s transformed, with some zen-like space
With acceptance and awareness, the pain loses control
We are no longer trapped in a bottomless hole
We come back to the present, more accepting and whole
Can witness the gift, that grief gives to our soul
Grief as a messenger opens our hearts
Brings us back to our bodies so we’re not broken in parts
We can connect to others and feel less alone
Look back on our lives and see how much that we’ve grown
When I’m anxious and hyper, running scared
When I’m playing superwoman with everything prepared
That’s when I know, I’m not listening to my heart
Thank God for my tears, so I can make a new start